By Now
by calma-llama
Summary: Makoto continues to have nightmares about the incident in Episode 6 and Haruka begins to worry about him.


Makoto was different when they got back from their training camp.

He had returned with a smile gracing his lips and nothing but encouraging words to say to his teammates. His grades in school were great, highest they've ever been since beginning his second year. He even showed up to swimming practice everyday, punctual as usual, ready to lead their team through another schedule of training. Sometimes, he'd treat his friends to popsicles after a rather pressing exercise, none of which disagreed with his decisions. He seemed fine, a little hesitant but nothing too drastic.

But, it was different when he was alone. Makoto wasn't depressed or angry, far from it in fact. No, he was still the same sweet guy he'd been before. He was just...A lot quieter. It was strange too, because Makoto was already a rather soft spoken character. He was also reserved. When Makoto came by every morning to pick him up, Haruka would notice how distracted he seemed, his mind off somewhere else entirely. He noticed the distance the brunette would put between himself and the tub full of water. He noticed the blank stare he would receive as he stepped out of the bath as the rest of Makoto's body grew tense. Makoto would remain there for a moment before stiffly excusing himself. Haruka was always curious as to where his friend would go and if he were to look, he'd see Makoto just standing there, glaring at himself in the mirror, eyeing his form with a look of disgust.

It was a look Haruka had never seen before, even after all those years of being beside each other. The black haired teen just could not piece it together. They'd been back from training camp for two weeks and Makoto had somehow become a two faced person. One face- The normal, kindhearted teammate- Was in control when he was at school or at practice while the other- The cold, examining face- Revealed itself when he thought he was by himself. Haruka noticed, of course. How could he not after all the time they had spent together? He decided not to ask, just leaving his friend to whatever it was that he did.

The thing that changed the most was how Makoto slept.

He just...Didn't.

Haruka refused to question the brunette on the specifics, but that didn't stop him from checking up on his best friend. He somehow got Makoto to agree to him coming over more often, explaining to him that he needed assistance with some homework. Every time he visited, Makoto's bed was made and almost unbearably cold, a distinct lack of someone sleeping in it as of late. But what really caught his attention was what was on Makoto's bedside table. There was always a book. A different one everyday and Haruka knew Makoto was never interested in reading as a pastime.

"Makoto." Haruka spoke up late one night as the brunette tucked his siblings into bed.

"Yeah, Haru?" Makoto asked as he placed Ren beside Ran, keeping his eyes on the twins rather than looking to his friend. That was another thing, Makoto hadn't been able to look Haruka in the eyes since the camp.

"Have you been sleeping?" He watched the taller teen tense the moment the words left his lips.

"Why do you ask?" Makoto replied the moment he regained his bearings and Haruka knew this response only confirmed his suspicions. Makoto never lied to him. Sure, he'd try to dodge the question, but he was too kindhearted, too innocent, to bring himself to lie to his best friend.

"It's obvious." Haruka murmured as Makoto shakily pulled a blanket over the two children. He motioned for Haruka to follow him into the living room where he sat down on the couch, holding his head in his hands in defeat. The black haired teen took a seat next to him, waiting patiently. "You can fool the other three with that cover of yours, but I've known you long enough to know when something is wrong."

"Hm...I knew something like this would happen. I apologize for the way I've been acting. It's just...I-I can't sleep. Well, no, that's not it." Makoto fumbled with his words as they spilled out of his mouth, his lips moving faster than his mind.

It was exactly bizarre to see Makoto stressed out, but it did worry Haruka. The dark bags beneath his eyes and the way he trembled was definitely out of the ordinary.

"I just didn't want anyone to worry. When we got back from the camp...Well, the whole experience changed me. I never thought anything could manage to bring back that terrible phobia. But, watching one of my friends drown...I couldn't help it. My fear resurfaced and I froze a-and...Rei could have died because of me. If you and Nagisa hadn't shown up we'd both be..." Makoto's throat closed up on him and he let out a choked whimper before continuing.

"I can't think straight. I can't sleep. I manage to keep myself distracted with things like schoolwork and surround myself with my friends...But, if there's even a second of hesitation...I'm back in the ocean, back in that very moment. I just can't stop it. I-I don't want to be stuck like this! I want to be able to go back to when things were okay! I-I..." Makoto stopped short, tears beginning to drip down his cheeks. "I'm so sorry."

Haruka had never thought about it before. He had never considered how hard it was for Makoto to live his life as the swim captain with his fear. It must be torture, jumping into the pool day after day because he had to. Haruka placed his hand on his friend's, squeezing lightly. Makoto looked up, a little surprised by the contact. "It's okay. Rei is alive. You're alive." He whispered, reminding him that things were still alright.

"I just...Can't imagine my life without swimming in it. It just seems so stupid that I'm scarred by something like this. But, I keep second guessing myself. I should have been able to save Rei without your assistance. Whether it's Nagisa, Rei or you...I should be able to face my fears! Why? Why can't I do this?!" Makoto exclaimed, his shoulders shaking and his voice thick with sorrow. "And it haunts me, every moment of everyday. Especially when I'm sleeping. When I can't keep my guard up, that's when it hurts the most. I just...Didn't want anyone to see me like that. So terrified even though I'm here, where there's nothing wrong." He finished, ashamed of his answer.

"Makoto." Haruka looked him dead in the eyes, but the brunette wouldn't comply, averting his gaze almost immediately. "Why won't you look at me?"

His answer was simple. "Your eyes."

"Excuse me?"

"It's just...Your eyes are a beautiful shade of blue. It reminds me so much of water. Sorry, I know this is really dumb, but-"

Haruka got up off the couch, Makoto's hand still in his and gave his friend a gentle tug. "Come on."

"Where?" Makoto asked, letting himself be led off the couch and down the hall. "W-Where are we going?"

"We're going to get a good night's sleep." Haruka informed him expressionlessly, stopping beside Makoto's bed and pulling back the covers. He climbed in first and motioned for Makoto to lay down beside him.

"H-Haru, we haven't done this since we were kids..." The brunette stammered out nervously, his cheeks a little red.

"It hasn't changed since then. You always fell asleep so quickly, it won't be any different now." He informed his friend indifferently.

And the first time that night, a smile graced Makoto's lips. He even chuckled a bit. "Alright." He took his place beside his best friend. "Thank you, Haru-chan." He murmured sleepily, dozing off almost instantly. Haruka wanted to remind him to drop the chan, but he'd let him have this one. He fell asleep soon after and managed to stay asleep for a few hours before Haruka was woken by thrashing and voices.

The black haired teen blinked his eyes open blearily, feeling a sharp pain creep up his arm. He looked down to see Makoto's hand squeezing his, almost to the point where he'd lose circulation. The brunette was mumbling all kinds of incoherent things and whimpering, his eyes tightly shut. Haruka shook his friend lightly, his friend flinching away from contact and shifted away from his touch.

"Makoto. Wake up." Haruka called, placing a hand firmly on his shoulder and rocking him. Normally, that's all it took to wake the brunette, rolling over with his narrowed green eyes strained by the darkness to ask what was wrong before falling back asleep.

He didn't wake up like that.

In an instant, Haruka's back was pressed against the wall with Makoto's arms wrapped around him, in something that resembled an extremely rough hug. He could feel the heat off his body and the pair of gentle hands, the hands that were normally caring for kittens or taking care of teammates, were trembling uncontrollably, his nails sinking into Haruka's back. Makoto's grip on him was painfully tight so he was almost without air, the breath he had taken before had escaped as a gasp the moment Makoto had him pinned. But then, he heard it. The sound of his best friend whispering through his tears.

"I'm sorry...I'm so sorry."

There were a few seconds that felt like eternities when Haruka was looking down at his best friend who had his face buried in his chest, his tears soaking his shirt and his body shaking. The black haired teen was frozen for a moment before embracing Makoto.

He thought this was how it was going to be all night. And he was fine with that, because Makoto had finally found some rest.

But at the end of that eternity, Makoto's body stiffened up and his grasp on Haruka loosened. For the first time since the training camp, their eyes met. He wore a look of surprise and concern before he realized he had been holding his best friend so closely. He let go instantly, jumping away from him while Haruka ran his fingers across his own back, feeling where Makoto's nails had dug into his skin. He was surprised the moment his fingers touched something wet. Blood. He looked up at Makoto while he stood there, staring back at Haruka.

"M-Makoto." Haruka wanted to explain, but...He didn't know how to. He was going to get the wrong idea. Makoto was going to think he had hurt him.

And of course, that's exactly what happened.

Makoto ran to the bathroom and locked himself in.

Eventually, he unlocked the door for Haruka, who placed a hand on his back, making Makoto flinch. "You didn't hurt me. You need to know that, Makoto."

Makoto stayed on the couch that night despite Haruka's reasoning and explanations for the cuts on his back.

After a few nights, he started going back to his room, lying beside Haruka as he slept, occasionally dozing off. After a month, he had his first night of completely uninterrupted sleep.

After two months, he could sleep three or four nights a week without waking.

At six months, he slept a whole week without waking and two of those nights were without nightmares.

At one year, he could sleep comfortably without Haruka at his side, although he did love his company.

At two years, after winning many tournaments and competitions with the swim team, he finally forgave himself for what had happened at the training camp all those years ago.

At four years, he told Haruka one night, as they talked across their pillows in bed that while he had managed to convince himself that it wasn't his fault, what had happened during the camp, he still hadn't forgiven himself for what he'd done to Haruka. He told him he'd never stop trying to make it up to him.

Haruka glared at him and told him he was a complete idiot.

Because he has already been forgiven. Four years ago. He should know that by now.


End file.
